In the spirit of our 2019 theme: Trail Running Responsibly, here is an article about waste…the human kind…and responsible disposal. Tommy McClellan, trail runner and stand-up comic, provided this humorous article based on his personal experience.
Does a bear shit in the woods? I’m not entirely sure. I would assume so. One thing I know for sure; A trail runner shits in the woods.
I’m speaking from experience, of course! During a run a few years ago, I was doing my business in the woods next to the Hutchinson Parkway, in Westchester, New York. Now you may be asking yourself, “Hey Tommy, did you clean up your Hutchinson steamer after finishing?” I have terrible news for you, my curious and generic friend…I didn’t. I left it to be one with nature.
I don’t recommend doing this, as it’s not exactly “appetizing,” to the squirrels that are enjoying their hoarded-nut dinner, and it’s probably “illegal,” or whatever my lawyer advised me not to write. It’s not like I planned such an event on my run. Yes, I was victim of the unforgiving bowel movement. As mortifying as it may have been to go in a non-toileted area, there was something much worse in this situation. Wiping with poison ivy.
Since my college days of running on trails in Westchester, I’ve gone on to more serious trail running. The more you run on trails the more you realize park officials don’t enjoy seeing, and picking up, your turds.
Luckily, the Wag Bag exists. The Wag Bag is a toilet kit on the go! Made by Cleanwaste, Wag Bags are the most sanitary, safe, environmentally-friendly, portable toilet solution available-complete with toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Say goodbye to Poison Ivy!
This kit holds up to 32 ounces (full quart) of waste, so you can use it several times. If you’ve pooped more than a quart on a run, you need to go see a doctor, and possibly a clergyman, because your body is trying to get rid of some demons. Once you’ve filled the bag, you can seal it and throw it away in the garbage. Don’t worry about the smell as the included Poo Powder deodorizes any scent. God forbid your shit stinks!
The next time you’re on a trail, grab a waste bag to make sure you keep the environment clean for other people, and to keep your butt hole poison ivy free. Don’t be like me. Please, don’t. Check out Wag Bags here, and don’t forget to “pack it in & pack it out”.
[Editors Note] Rest assured trail runners, there’s more than one way to poop in the woods. Check out this video from REI: